Over the last several weeks I have felt called to start writing letters to you again, something I’ve affectionately called “lettering.” I’m not sure why it is so difficult to do but I actually think it has nothing to do with the actual letter writing itself. In fact, I start several in my head every week! I’m slightly ashamed to say it, it’s a bit of laziness that I haven’t done it more. It’s about actually sitting down, taking the time to “Just Do It” as Nike would say. I know I will continue to fail in my attempts to write you more letters, to write to you about what you are doing, who you are and who your family is. But here’s the kicker, I’ll still try. I may not write to you as often as I think about it, and I know there are some things I’ve forgotten to tell you, but I’ll keep trying. I’ll keep writing, even if it’s not as often as I’d actually like. But I DO want you to know about your childhood, about our family traditions, and the thoughts I have being your mommy, some directly pertaining to you and yet others about things we go through as parents. So, for the first time in a long while, here goes…
With the struggles we have faced over the last four years, my faith in God has been low. It’s not that I didn’t believe He was there. I have always believed in Him, even in my years in High School and College when I tried to tell myself He wasn’t there, deep down inside, He has always been calling me and letting me know He was waiting. And during the past four years, I truly do believe He was doing that again. Waiting. Waiting on ME, little old me. God has so much more patience than I could ever comprehend. He has continued to wait for me to finally start coming around again. I’ve spent the last four years fighting Him, much like a teenager fights with parents, even when they know deep down their parents are right. I would yell at Him, blame Him, and truthfully, curse Him from the top of my voice. And I know there is a good chance I’ll go through periods like this again. I hope and pray I don’t and really starting to wonder just how deep my stubbornness goes.
Recently I started to think about God again, felt His nudging perhaps. “Where are you? I need you. Why aren’t you here?” are just a couple of things I started thinking, never mind that I’d been the one who had stop talking and praying to Him. Then one day, I’d just had it. It seemed like EVERYTHING was up in the air. No answers to anything going on. I was at my wits end. I remember sitting down, crying, just exhausted and knowing I could handle no more. As I sat crying, I felt a tugging. I’m not really sure how but I stopped to FINALLY listen (see previous statement above as to how deeply entrenched I am into my own stubbornness). I looked up (I always think of God as being above ALL) and prayed, truly prayed. “God, I just can’t do this anymore. I am lost. I don’t know the answers to anything. Please, just please close the doors that need to be closed, and open the ones that are meant to be. Let your will be done.” I repeated those last two lines over and over in my head. And the very next day, less than 24 hours later, my prayers were answered. One door closed and the another door opened. LESS THAN 2 HOURS APART AND LESS THAN 24 HOURS AFTER PRAYING! Just truly let that sink in a bit.
That evening, I sat bewildered, amazed, and loved. I asked, He answered. Is it all the answers I had been looking for? No. But He gave me this. I’m still nervous about the open door. But He is with me. I have tears about the open door. But He is with me. We will make this work, somehow, someway because He is with US.
May God continue to bless us my sweet Miss E. Love,