Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Great way to start the Lenten season...

My daughter continues to amaze me. Please bear with me as this may get a little wordy as I am crying happy tears...

As a child, I grew up with a handicapped sister. I wasn't always the best to my sister, as many sisters can attest to. But it was my reality and that's how I was raised. Love not hate. I helped out at her birthday parties, playing with the kids that probably didn't get a lot of kids playing with them. I know there were times I really didn't want to, but I did it for them and for her. So many times I remember my sister telling me she just wanted to be "normal." But what is normal anyway?! This was the reality we were dealt and we had our moments, both good and bad, but I remember lots of good fun times (lots of inside jokes here right Valerie?). :)
 smile emoticon
Today, I am so very proud of our Little Miss E. Today she played with a little boy while out with her Nanny. It didn't matter what he looked like, only that he was a little boy and they both played and had a good time. When it was time to go, he blew her kisses and the grandmother of the boy thanked Miss E and Nanny. You see, the boy has down syndrome and many don't want to play with him. They look and ask questions. Not our Little Miss E. She just wanted to play. She never questioned how he looked. He and her just had fun playing as only two children can.

I am so proud to call her my child. She never questioned, just played. We could all use a bit of childlike mentality. Don't question, just play. I am also so proud and thankful of my sister. I cannot think of a better way to start Lent. <3heart emoticon

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

We're less than two weeks away...

I started off this post thinking about writing all the things that are you.  It's been a while since I've written and I think about you all.the.time and how I haven't written nearly as often as I should.  And as I started writing, this post turned into little stories as to who you are right now.  It may not always flow perfectly but thinking about you and what you’ve accomplished so far in your short life makes me smile and so proud to be your mama.  Here you go baby girl (smile):

Wow.  I cannot believe how quickly time flies.  In less than two weeks, you will be FIVE and I just cannot believe it.  In some ways I can totally see where the last five years have gone.  I’ve gotten to watch you grow and learn and discover just who you are.  And yet, it doesn’t seem like you could have been with us nearly that long.  Are you sure you are not turning 2?!  (Although the five going on fifteen attitude surely reminds me – wink.)

Five years ago today I was waiting for you.  My original due date was five years ago yesterday, January 4, 2011.  Then it got switched to the third, but you had other things planned.  Waiting waiting waiting.  You taught us early on you would come when you were ready, and you haven’t changed.  You do things in your own time (with us sometimes adding in some prodding – smile). 

You are such a wonderful little person.  You love to play dress-up, most excitedly changing into different ball gowns, while twirling and curtsying.  And let’s not forget the accessories.  What princess would be complete without a tiara?!  And when we are at A’s house, it is adorable as you have M and/or A announce who is coming down the stairs, and then you come down the stairs, dressed as a princess in full regalia, smiling and so excited to be the bell of the ball. (The last time we were over there you announced you were getting married and were wearing one of the Disney Princess wedding gowns, beautiful as ever.  I so look forward to that day but I can wait twenty years or so for it and I hope we do not have drama. Why is it you like to play and pretend there is drama?!  You were pretending you had called off the wedding but staying in the wedding dress.  We could all use a little less drama in our lives. – smile)

When you aren’t playing dress up, we can find you coloring or writing.  You coloring skills have improved beyond what I thought they could in a year.  You draw things, like people and they have to have all the hands, feet, eyes, eyebrows, etc, something you were just starting to learn about a year ago.  You draw animals, flowers, everything.  You love to color and make things look so magical.  And your writing, WOW just wow.  You practice and practice and are writing so beautifully, constantly writing us letters.

Pretend play has become such a big thing in your life and I love it! The number one thing you like to pretend is being a baker.  You get so excited to make us many different types of cupcakes and have told us many times you are going to be a baker.  I so look forward to your creations!  Your love of baking and cooking has led you to watch cooking shows (favorite being Cupcake Wars) and the things people put in food can be, well, we will be kind and say “creative,” but what it has taught you is that you can try and make things out of ANYTHING and that I absolutely love.  The world is your oyster baby!

Lastly, and this one I find so important, you have a wonderful love for reading.  You read and read and read.  We have so many books we no longer have room on our shelves for all the books you have collected over the years.  And you just got your first chapter book gifted to you by your Godparents this past Christmas.  Sitting there, watching you read it aloud to us brings such happiness.  You read, and something I didn’t think would come until later, you actually comprehend what you are reading.  When it comes to a word you don’t know, you ask us what the word is and if you do not understand what it means, you ask.  Your thirst for knowledge is awe-inspiring.

Again, five.  Five.  How can it be that you are going to be FIVE?!  Each passing moment brings both happy and sad memories, but even the sad ones are mostly laden with happy sad.  Case in point, a happy sad memory from this past Christmas, Christmas 2015 (happy because you are you and sad because you are growing up way too fast).  This past Christmas might have been the most fun yet.  Don’t get me wrong, every Christmas with you is fun.  This is the first time I think you really got it.  We had watched “Santa Claus is coming to town” many times.  You played and sang songs and pretend you helped out the reindeer.  You were really into it!  Every day you looked forward to putting another ornament on the advent tree (although you didn't like to wait and many times we'd have to remove ornaments in teaching you about the Advent season).  Then, one of my favorite moments this year happened on Christmas Eve.  It was LATE, and you were still up.  We had just opened the present with the book and pajamas inside.  We quickly changed you into your new pajamas, read the new Christmas book (Mortimer's Christmas Manger), and you told us you were excited and ready for Santa, he was coming to your house TONIGHT.  Then you left the room.  We figured you had gone up to get ready for bed.  Nope.  You came back in the room with your chair, placed it in front of the fireplace, sat down and told us you were waiting for Santa.  You wanted to talk to Santa.  He was coming and you would be there waiting.  Dada quickly snapped a picture on his phone.  You stuck your head in the fireplace.  I couldn’t help but smile.  So incredibly precious.  We eventually got you upstairs by telling you that Santa would not be able to deliver presents to our house if you were not asleep by midnight, it was already after 11.  You raced upstairs and were asleep within 15 minutes.  Again, such a big happy smile on my face now just thinking about your excitement.

You have so much life in you and I am truly honored to get to watch you grow and become your own little person.  I look forward to writing you more letters and showing you how wonderful it is to be your mama.  A mama who is soon to have a five year old, still can hardly imagine it's been five years.  I love you to the moon and back baby girl.


Monday, October 12, 2015

God is with us

Over the last several weeks I have felt called to start writing letters to you again, something I’ve affectionately called “lettering.”  I’m not sure why it is so difficult to do but I actually think it has nothing to do with the actual letter writing itself.  In fact, I start several in my head every week!  I’m slightly ashamed to say it, it’s a bit of laziness that I haven’t done it more.  It’s about actually sitting down, taking the time to “Just Do It” as Nike would say.  I know I will continue to fail in my attempts to write you more letters, to write to you about what you are doing, who you are and who your family is.  But here’s the kicker, I’ll still try.  I may not write to you as often as I think about it, and I know there are some things I’ve forgotten to tell you, but I’ll keep trying.  I’ll keep writing, even if it’s not as often as I’d actually like.  But I DO want you to know about your childhood, about our family traditions, and the thoughts I have being your mommy, some directly pertaining to you and yet others about things we go through as parents.  So, for the first time in a long while, here goes…

With the struggles we have faced over the last four years, my faith in God has been low.  It’s not that I didn’t believe He was there.  I have always believed in Him, even in my years in High School and College when I tried to tell myself He wasn’t there, deep down inside, He has always been calling me and letting me know He was waiting.  And during the past four years, I truly do believe He was doing that again.  Waiting.  Waiting on ME, little old me.  God has so much more patience than I could ever comprehend.  He has continued to wait for me to finally start coming around again.  I’ve spent the last four years fighting Him, much like a teenager fights with parents, even when they know deep down their parents are right.  I would yell at Him, blame Him, and truthfully, curse Him from the top of my voice.  And I know there is a good chance I’ll go through periods like this again.  I hope and pray I don’t and really starting to wonder just how deep my stubbornness goes.

Recently I started to think about God again, felt His nudging perhaps.  “Where are you?  I need you.  Why aren’t you here?” are just a couple of things I started thinking, never mind that I’d been the one who had stop talking and praying to Him.  Then one day, I’d just had it.  It seemed like EVERYTHING was up in the air.  No answers to anything going on.  I was at my wits end.  I remember sitting down, crying, just exhausted and knowing I could handle no more.  As I sat crying, I felt a tugging.  I’m not really sure how but I stopped to FINALLY listen (see previous statement above as to how deeply entrenched I am into my own stubbornness).  I looked up (I always think of God as being above ALL) and prayed, truly prayed.  “God, I just can’t do this anymore.  I am lost.  I don’t know the answers to anything.  Please, just please close the doors that need to be closed, and open the ones that are meant to be.  Let your will be done.”  I repeated those last two lines over and over in my head.  And the very next day, less than 24 hours later, my prayers were answered.  One door closed and the another door opened.  LESS THAN 2 HOURS APART AND LESS THAN 24 HOURS AFTER PRAYING!  Just truly let that sink in a bit.

That evening, I sat bewildered, amazed, and loved.  I asked, He answered.  Is it all the answers I had been looking for?  No.  But He gave me this.  I’m still nervous about the open door.  But He is with me.  I have tears about the open door.  But He is with me.  We will make this work, somehow, someway because He is with US.

May God continue to bless us my sweet Miss E.  Love,


Saturday, January 31, 2015

You're FOUR!!!

Holy Moly!  How is it that you are FOUR?!  I know parents across the world will agree with me when I say, "Can time just slow down?!  Please?!!!"  I look forward to watching you grow up but does it have to be so fast?!  I realized the other day just how quickly time goes (well, really I've been realizing it since you were born...but I digress).  I realized what you call me and more times than not these days, you are calling me "Mom."  On occasion you still call me Mommy or Mama, but it's become "Mom" most of the time and it really hit me that you're moving from babyhood, to toddlerhood, to now, childhood.  You're growing up much faster than I ever could have imagined.

In an attempt to get a snapshot of you to "stop time," I found a website that posted a Birthday Questionnaire and thought, "How perfect!"  (Here is a link to the questionnaire I used.)  So for your fourth birthday, here are a few items that make you YOU!  (smile - names and personal mentions have been removed)

It was cute doing this with you and I hope to continue doing it with you each year.  You are such a silly girl and at first, you were giving us silly answers.  Once we played and you figured out how to answer the questions, we had a lot of fun telling stories for each answer.  For instance, you do LOVE the songs from Frozen but you LOVE hearing "Shake It Off" come on the radio and dance as much as possible in your car seat.  It's so adorable!!!  (You say, "Mom!  That's my favorite song!")  You love to hear stories about yourself, and made up ones too!  Just recently you've been asking about me being pregnant with you and your birth story.  You also love it (and ask for it often) when we make up stories, most of the time with a princess of the same name as the lead character.  Your imagination is really developing and it's so wonderful to hear your beautifully artistic imaginary side!

But I think my favorite answer is where you want to go on vacation.  "L---s house."  One, it tells me you don't quite get what the question means and that's ok. Two, and maybe more importantly, it shows us how the simplest of things make you happy, and really, isn't that part of what life should be about?  You are content with what you have, what we do, and are truly happy about the littlest of things.  (smile)

Here are some highs (and lows) of who you are, a snapshot of what it's like being you at 3/4:

  • You LOVE to play dress-up
  • You LOVE to sing and dance (asking us to turn on the Ree-deee-ooo with long drawn out vowels)
  • You are a lover of all things Chocolate - you and Princess Anna do the line in the movie perfectly
  • You LOVE to color and are getting really good at drawing things to the point I don't have to guess what it is, I know!
  • You LOVE to read books and have started trying to read them yourself!  You read (memorize) Brave - A Mother's Love every day!  What a great way to start learning!
  • You LOVE school
  • You LOVE adventures - any little thing is an adventure to you and I love it (although we did stop calling them adventures for a while since each time we called it that something not so fun happened but they were still adventures and we found ways to laugh and have fun)
  • You LOVE all things princess (as seen above, you'd love to be one!)
  • You LOVE food - there really aren't many foods you don't like and you love to try what everyone is eating but we're still working on you telling us when you are hungry (sometimes you get a little ornery when your energy sources have been depleted he he)
  • You LOVE to play in your kitchen and make me different meals throughout the day
  • You LOVE to assist me in the kitchen, grabbing your step-stool and helping me cook
  • You are VERY expressive, in speech and actions.  Not gonna lie when I say I love hearing all your thoughts.  You are constantly saying, "That's my favorite (fill in the blank)!" or "You're the best Mom in the whole world!" or "I love you soooo much!"  Warms my heart.
  • With all that excitement, there are lows that can get pretty low and we talk constantly about our feelings to try and work out those lows.  You tend to cross your arms and put a very deep scowl on your face.  It's still a work in progress.  (wink - Daddy even called it being "a card carrying member of exaggerators anonymous for four year olds" he he)
Honey, I love you with all my heart.  We have our good days and our not so good days but we are working on it together, constantly improving our relationship and our relationship with others.  I so much look forward to helping you grow into a strong, confident woman.  I found this picture the other day and it speaks volumes as to what we mothers must remind ourselves when raising our children and I'm trying desperately to "own my role as mother:"

(Image source:

I hope and pray you can see just how important you are to me, your mother.  I love you always and "Happy birthday my dear four year old!"


Thursday, January 8, 2015

A letter to the future me...

As I sit here typing, I am listening to the sounds of "Beauty and the Beast" coming from the karaoke machine and you building with your Duplos, sounds that have come to tell me you're happy.  I love to just listen.  Listen.  It tells me so much about you and so much about life.

Over the holidays, we spent a lot of time just being a little family of three.  Spent time with family and friends alike, got some of the long outstanding chores done, and overall just had a very relaxing time.   During that time, I did quite a bit of reflecting.  I listened to my heart and my head and really just tried to figure out what I'm doing.  One of those ponderings brought me to thoughts of when I am a Grandmother someday (hopefully).  Here are some ramblings of what I might want to say to my future self, a list of do's and don'ts if you will.  Ah hem...

Play.  Play a LOT with the grandkids.  Get on the floor, who cares if your knees are gone, your belly comes out to them, and you cannot get up.  There will be help to get off the floor.  And lots of laughter to see the spectacle of you trying to get up.  (smile)  Play lots of games, board games, card games, hide and seek, anything that the kids enjoy.  Take them to the zoo, to the park, go with them to parties, meet their friends.  The laughter and joy the kids have is the greatest thing to hear and see.  (smile)

Listen.  Listen to the laughter, the tears, the crazy zany sayings said with such exuberance you cannot stop but laugh and smile yourself.  (Unless you're Scrooge - wink)  Talk with them to figure out all the little nuances of their brains, help them to understand in a childlike way, get on to their level.  Smile, laugh, cry along with them. 

Be there.  You may not always like some of the parenting styles, no two children are ever really raised the same, even within families.  But be there.  Be present.  If you're working, take time off to spend with family.  Spend time with just the kids, just you and the kids.  Work will always be there, kids will grow up.  Be with them at every stage.

Hugs and kisses.  Give LOTS of hugs and kisses.  And when they don't want them, be the silliest person you can imagine, they'll come around.  Don't take it personally when there are times (and there will be times) when they don't want to come to you.  As stated before, get on there level, and just be silly old Grandma.

Create memories and stories from those memories.  Laugh about them, tell them often, include them in on the stories.  They may not get it now, but someday, they will.  I still laugh when I think about the times my Grandmother would pick me up from school for either a basketball practice, or choir, or any such after school activity, and we'd chat in the car ride, talking about the day, funny stories, anything.  I really could tell her anything.  Be THAT person.  (Maybe one day I'll tell you about getting pulled over by a cop, with my Grandmother as the passenger.  Yup, that really happened.  She never told a soul.  (smile))

So many things can be said, and I'm sure I'll want to add more as I get older.  Hopefully I'll even remember to write them down.  (wink, wink)  With all that is said above, just remember to be present.  Family comes first.  Someday I hope I get a chance to tell just how much you truly mean to me.  How much you have changed my life, my thoughts, all for the best.  I hope to be able to spend time with you as you hold your little ones, being there, being THAT Grandma.

I love you baby,


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Something that has been bothering me lately....

There has been so much I have wanted to write to you of late.  Things just always get in the way it seems.  But there is one thing that continues to plague me, I don't want you to lose your innocence.  People have told me that I shouldn't worry, and yeah, I get that.  I know as you grow, you will slowly lose some of that innocence, it's part of growing up.  Whether it be a bully, or something you hear while shopping, or something you see in a commercial on TV, it will slowly start to "change" you. 

But I want you to know that I am trying so desperately for you to keep on to that innocence for as long as humanly possible.  To do this, I want you to know just how loved you truly are.  By me, your Daddy, and most importantly God.  We love you and He LOVES you.  You are made in His image.  It's hard for me to write this.  It's something that I have heard over and over of late it seems and I cannot help but think, "How do I teach this to you when I am struggling with this?"  All moms have their struggles, and their weaknesses.  And so many times, those "imperfections" are placed on our children.  Let's admit it.  We all do things our parents did that we don't like.  We aren't proud (ok, some I think are hilarious and definitely want to pass down), but we all do it.  It's hard to hope and pray and think about how do I prevent you from getting some of my most "undesirable traits" and not lose that precious innocence.  And the only way I can think of, is to try to teach you about God's love, even when I don't always believe it.  

(photo courtesy of Decor To Adore)

I read a blog today (Teach Your Children Who They Are, Before The World Teaches Them Who They Should Be) that's been sitting in my inbox for several months, and it spoke to me.  She uses bath time as a time to reflect on all the great qualities her children posses.  And she TELLS them.  It's funny I read this today as I've been trying to tell you of late similar things.  Yesterday, you came into my room long before I was ready to get up.  We said good morning to each other and you gave me a HUGE hug.  I then asked you if you'd like to get in bed with me and cuddle.  You were so excited!  I have no idea how long we laid in bed, but I know how much I loved holding you, wrapping my arms around you and you asking me to wrap them tighter, asking me if you could put your head to my chest and just lay there.  I told you so many wonderful things about you and rubbed your back up, down and back up again over and over.  I didn't want it to end.  Towards the end, I remember telling you that I hope and pray someday you feel this love I have for you.

Remember to tell your children all their wonderful qualities.  Remember that despite all the feelings you may have inside, you have a father, a mother, and most importantly a God who loves you more than you could ever imagine.  Tell your children this often.  Keep their innocence. 

To quote the blog (and to show just a couple of examples of what to say):

  • "You are beautiful."
  • "God created you for a special purpose."
  • "God has wonderful plans for you."
  • "I love your caring heart."
  • "You have a beautiful smile."
  • "God brought you to me ... and I'm thankful."

We love you with all our hearts baby girl,


Monday, April 7, 2014

A year ago today...

A year ago today, my life changed.  I know it changed the moment you came into our world but that moment you had your first seizure, it scared me.  I feared losing you and I will never live my life the same because I know in a heartbeat that it could change.  Since then, you've had one more seizure and gone through all the testing to confirm what's going on in that little head of yours.  All of the tests have come back inconclusive which is good and frustrating at the same time.  But great news is that you have not had another seizure since July 2013 and we're hoping and praying that this trend continues!  We love you baby girl!

Here is the letter I wrote to you the day after the seizure.  We love you!!!

To my baby,

This past weekend was one of the scariest experiences of my life, and it also made me realize, life is much shorter and can change in less than a blink of an eye.

Sunday morning (April 7, 2013), I woke up tired.  I was so tired of everything that was going on and had gone on so far this year.  So many illnesses and overall issues.  It was starting to really wear on me.  You woke up, and it was clear, you had a cold.  You didn’t seem to have a fever, but your nose was running and your voice was sounding very stuffed up.  You had started showing signs of a cold on Saturday so we were ready to keep you home for the day.  We talked about what we were going to accomplish for the day.  Daddy had bought a ton of ready to make cabinets for the garage and we were going to start organizing the garage so that Daddy could start parking his car in there too. 

The morning started out normal.  Daddy got ready to go to Mass while you and I played and cleaned (well, Mommy did the cleaning).  We all sat down for breakfast and it was the first time that I can remember you didn’t eat half of your breakfast or milk.  In fact, you pushed them aside and told us you were all done.  First time you have done that.  I just thought you were learning how hungry you were.  So we played and played and played.  You got a large pink with orange polka dot ball from the Easter Bunny the week prior and you just love to bounce that ball back and forth, and up and down the stairs.  The giggling we get from doing this is absolutely priceless.  We read some books and then at 11am, you asked to watch a movie.  Your absolute favorite is “Rio” (you affectionately call it “The Birdies”) and you wanted to watch it but, truth be told, mommy was getting a little tired of that movie so I convinced you to watch Tangled (didn’t take much convincing).  There was more to clean but thank goodness, this morning, I decided to sit and watch it with you.

I was watching you.  Not watching the movie, just sitting there watching you.  I don’t remember what I was thinking but just knowing how much I love you.  You were sitting on the floor (I was sitting in the rocking chair) watching it when daddy got home from Mass, about 20 minutes later (thank God he came home when he did).  He went up to change his clothes.  He wasn’t up there 5 minutes when all of our plans for the day completely changed.

I remember looking at you and wondering what you were doing.  You were slowly, ever so slowly, leaning over onto your left side as if you were going to lie down and watch the movie.  Truly that’s what I thought you were doing.  Then, it happened.  You started to shake.  For less than a millisecond I thought, “What is she doing?”  And just as quickly, I realized, she’s having a seizure!  I ran over to you, picked you up and instantly started trying to do what I could to get your attention.  Your body was limp, your eyes open but glazed over and looking down to the right.  I bounced you, clapped my hands, snapped my fingers, did everything I could to try and get to you to focus on me.  “Evie!  Evie, look at Mommy!  Look at Mommy Evie!”  Over and over and over again.

Daddy came running down the stairs.  He knew from the tone of my voice that this wasn’t me yelling at you for being in trouble.  I was scared.  So scared.  Not sure what to do.  He started to bounce you on his knee facing me as we were still trying to get you to focus, to come to.  You started to close your eyes.  You didn’t want to open them.  With each bounce your eyes would open only for a second.  We felt your head and you were burning up.  We called 911.

By this point, I was crying.  The 911 operator couldn’t understand me.  I had to calm down a bit and thank goodness for her patience to help me.  She asked for our address and almost instantly after giving her the address, I heard the sirens.  She kept me on the phone and I could hear her talking to the EMS telling them there was an unresponsive 2 year old who may have had a seizure.  I ran to the front door as I heard the sirens very close and sure enough, a cop had blocked our street in front of our house and was running up the grass to our front door.

He came in and we ran to you.  Before I knew it, our Great Room was filled with several cops, firemen, and EMS responders.  They kept asking me what happened.  They kept asking you to look at mommy, lightly pinching your skin on your arm to try and wake you.  Daddy was still bouncing you on his knee as you still wanted to have your eyes closed.  Then, you made one single cry.  You were back!  Not fully but that was the best sound!  You continued to try and close your eyes.  The EMS responder took your temperature.  It only read out 100.3 which didn’t make sense as your face was HOT.  Your hands and feet were turning purple and were so cool to the touch.  They asked me if I had any Children’s Motrin or Tylenol in the house.  I ran up the stairs, suddenly realizing I was still in my PJ’s, grabbed them both, and went back downstairs.  We gave you some Motrin in the syringe we had and you clasped your lips around it. It was such a wonderful site for me to see.  You were able to swallow all but about a quarter of it.  Again, a wonderful you were on your way back moment!  I went and filled your sippy with water and we tried to get you to drink some water.  You were coming to more and more but you still weren’t completely yourself.  The responders tried to get an oxygen level on your feet but couldn’t so put it on your finger and found your oxygen level to be very low.  The officers suggested we take the EMS to the ER at T___ ________

At that moment, I realized again how “undressed” I was and with Daddy holding you, ran upstairs, went to the bathroom, got dressed and threw my hair up in a pony as quickly as I possibly could.  I grabbed you a pair of summer PJ’s, some undies, diapers, and your blanket.  Looking back, I actually chuckle a bit when Daddy asked me if I wanted you in undies or a diaper.  We put you in a diaper (even the responders said, diaper).  There was no way I was making you potty train today.

Daddy put a diaper on you, and we wrapped you up in your blanket and headed out to the Ambulance.  We got in there, I sat on the stretcher with you on my lap.  You were fighting so hard to sleep when we all wanted you to stay awake.  The EMS responder told me what they would have to do if you had another seizure on the way to the hospital.  I don’t remember everything he said, just hoped and prayed we wouldn’t have to have that (thinking back, he said something about potentially shocking you and it would have to be through the rectum).  He then placed a blood pressure cuff around your arm, and it squeezed and you let out a little cry.  The fireman who had been helping us in the house came over to the ambulance and told me everything was going to be okay.  He then told you to get better and to come see him at the fire station.  He said bye and I looked at you and said “say bye bye” and you turned to him and said “bye bye.”  I think it melted us all.  Your little voice, so little and so sweet, still not feeling 100%, but you were coming around!

Once in the ambulance, we got strapped in and took off.  I remember sitting on the stretcher seeing our neighbor’s house in the background (he used another driveway to turn around) as though it was almost a surreal moment.  I sat there looking at Daddy’s car as he started following us to the ER.  I never had really thought about it until then, but it must be so frightening for people to get transported to the hospital in that fashion.  I realize I was as secure as could be but that ride was so incredibly bumpy, nothing like appreciating your own car as well appreciating that you weren’t in potential dire consequences.  As we pulled out onto __ and then through the light at ______, I hoped and prayed Daddy would be able to stay behind us and not have too much of an issue.  Funny enough (now that the ordeal is over), Daddy got stuck at that very first light as it turned red while we went through.

The ambulance person told us that we would get there in about 5 minutes and called it in.  You were fighting so hard, trying to stay awake, but the events of the morning wiped you out.  You would open your eyes with each bump but eventually, you succumbed and passed out.  The ambulance person told me that it happens a lot when someone has a seizure.  Your body has worked so hard that it is now exhausted and results in the person “sleeping it off.”

As we headed to the hospital, it was again, surreal, to see all the cars at the side of the road on ____, knowing they were pulled over because of the ambulance we were in.  The ambulance person told me that for the most part, they keep the sirens off as they can disrupt and scare the passengers.  But once we hit that traffic, he told me they were turning them on to get through that segment.  It didn’t bother me one bit, it actually wasn’t very noisy at all, much nosier in the car when one passes you.  I was sitting there, holding you as you slept, watching you and also watching the cars wondering what they thought of the person that might be in there (I do this quite often when I see an ambulance).  The sirens went off again as we turned onto _________ to get through the busy intersection.  We were almost there.

Once at the hospital, they asked me if I wanted a wheel chair.  At first I declined but they both insisted as it was a long walk and I was still holding onto you.  We entered the ER, which was a ghost town as it had been moved and renovated, hence them saying it would be a long walk.  They had recently changed the layout of the ER and the “new” ER was a bit of a walk away.

Once we got to the ER, they put us in a room right away.  The nurses came in the room and immediately started filling out the patient forms and checking on you.  Once they were finished, and the doctor took a look at you and ordered many tests, and then we sat there, waiting and watching you.  At this point, you had started to look like your normal self.  Color came back to you and you wanted to play.  We waited for each test, and each test result.  All came back normal.  They checked everything they could.  They looked in your eyes, ears, nose, checked your oxygen levels and your temperature.  We had been there for hours and poor Daddy hadn’t had anything to eat, he was starving, so the nurse told him that he could go, it would be a while before any further tests or results came in.  The nurse then came in to get some blood for the next test.  You cried and I could not blame you.  I felt so helpless, all I could do was hold you and try to comfort you. 

But then she said she wanted to get a urine sample.  I give props to all the people who helped us along the way.  This was the only thing that annoyed and bothered me.  She told me after the fact she could have put a collection diaper on as she was getting blood because, and no one can blame you, you peed during that process.  I’m sure you were scared and it hurt.  But the next one hurt more.  She ended up putting a catheter in and you screamed, a blood curdling scream.  I tried so hard not to cry with you.  I held you tight as you were fighting so hard at this point.  It hurt and you were uncomfortable.  The nurse made a joke about your legs being so tight and closed that she hoped her teenage daughter would be the same.  So inappropriate but I just gave her a quick smile and continued comforting you.  Daddy came in just as she finished and we all hugged each other, while you cried.

We sat there for a few more hours waiting for results.  You actually got very comfortable sitting on Daddy and watched cartoons.  It was the cutest thing to see.  Finally the doctor came in and said they could find nothing.  She was diagnosing it as a Febrile Seizure and explained what that meant.  She comforted us and told us that as scary as it sounded, some children seem to get them and all those children outgrow it by the age of 5.  I asked her, could it happen again?  She said yes.  Because Evie had had a seizure, she could be prone to them when she gets a fever. 

I am so thankful to have you baby girl.  This was the scariest moment of my life and one I hope not to repeat.  I love you so much.